Missing Brandon

Thank You!

2011-03-25T14:34:00.006+08:00

I am updating this blog after so long because I recently met someone online who was once a part of Brandon's life. We had a very long conversation reminiscing about our own times shared with Brandon. She kept on saying that she liked me and that she does not wonder why Brandon fell for me. She said she can feel that Brandon cared for me so much. She was sweet, she was Brandon's ex-wife. It's amazing how small the world is. It's amazing how the internet connects people. It's amazing how I enjoyed our conversations so much. I didn't really expect that talking about Brandon with someone he loved before would bring me so much peace.

I told her where Brandon was buried and she visited his grave. She went there and she brought flowers. She sent me a picture and I could not help myself but cry and remember the hurt that I felt when I was told that he didn't make it after the accident.

Rest In Peace Brandon. You are loved by many.

P.S.

I still have the shirt you left me. I wear it every time I am sad and everything just turns out better.

Weekend in Boracay

2007-08-10T11:51:00.001+08:00

Here's a picture taken in White Beach, Boracay Island last May. I had the opportunity to meet Brandon's mom and Rudelyn. All three of us got our hairs braided at the shore.

"August 26, 2006"

2007-08-06T23:41:00.001+08:00

Since Brandon's death (10/18/2006), I dreaded for August 26 to come this year. It would so much remind me when we both decided to take the plunge, start a long distance relationship. He being stationed in Kuwait and I in Manila. It was a relationship that started and grew with the help of advanced technology. We started as friends, exchanged numerous emails, debated on a few topics, exchanged thoughts through IMs and burned the phone lines.We both were positive that there's no end for us. And if there was, we were both ready to stand the test. We were so crazy in love with each other. He would tell me his deepest secrets and even his secret thoughts. Heck, even his fantasies. Because of his utter honesty, I did tell him my secrets, my hopes, my fears and my dreams. We had our share of arguments too but we would always make it a point to talk things over and send emoticons for kisses and hugs.

I was at a pizza store in one of the malls here in Manila when he called me on August 26 last year. I was eating my lunch and he just came and logged in for work. He asked me that one certain question which I was able to answer without batting an eyelash. 'Do I call you my girlfriend now?" I said "YES". It was an instant answer. It did not require any effort at all. Besides, I've already thought about this and that I've played the scene in my vivid imagination many times over. Suffice it to say, I was expecting it already. After all, Brandon was the ideal boyfriend. He was the kind that you would bring home and introduce to your parents. He was the kind who would sweep you off your feet. He was my knight in shining armor. I was the damsel in distress who incessantly waits to be rescued.

And now, I sit here writing this, pouring my heart's content, trying so hard not to cry, still asking why things turned out against us. But I guess I did not try hard enough, I just wiped a tear that fell. Yes, Brandon's memories still make me cry. It never failed. How could I ever forget someone who has shown me real love? How could I ever let go of a love that was cut short? I know it was not a case of another used to be. We both have shared something special, something that anyone could envy if only we were given more time than we just had. It was short but it felt like forever.

His passing left me wounded, it maimed me. I thought I would never recover. I was in denial for a very long time. I was a broken soul. I tried so hard to breathe life to my existence. There were times when smiling became a chore and the most effortless thing to do was to cry until I feel numb and fall asleep and wish that Brandon would talk to me in my dreams and explain why he had to leave me. Crying was my tranquilizer. And sleep was my escape to reality. There were times when I would stare into nothingness and try so hard to just stay in oblivion. It was difficult, it was never easy. It was something I didn't learn in school. But that experience had taught me so much. It made me unbelievably strong. It crippled me but it became my crutch to continue to trod and face tomorrow no matter how uncertain it could be. The experience gave me hope that I can only be happy if I chose to.

And on the 26th of this month, I may not mourn anymore. I would only celebrate what we had to share. This is my baby step to finally accepting and finally letting go and giving each of us our well-deserved peace.

I Miss Brandon

2007-07-15T22:50:00.001+08:00

I miss him. I really do...

No words can express how much...

I know he's looking at me from above...

Hugs Baby!

It's Been A Month...

2006-11-19T01:48:00.001+08:00

It's been a month since Brandon left me, his family, his earthly acquiantances...

It's been a month since the whole throng of people close to him wept for his passing...

It's been a month since I lost somebody I love which I could never replace. No other Brandon exist in this world we live.

Here's one single rose. Send a petal for me from somewhere. Wherever you are, I wish you well. Watch over me.

The Stolen Branch

2006-11-14T11:13:00.001+08:00

"The Stolen Branch"
By Pablo Neruda

In the night we shall go in
to steal
a flowering branch.

We shall climb over the wall
in the darkness of the alien garden,
two shadows in the shadow.

Winter is not yet gone,
and the apple tree appears
suddenly changed
into a cascade of fragrant stars.

In the night we shall go in
up to its trembling firmament,
and your little hands and mine
will steal the stars.

And silently,
to our house,in the night and the shadow,
with your steps will enter
perfume's silent step
and with starry feet
the clear body of spring.

Happy Birthday

2006-11-10T13:01:00.001+08:00

Like what we talked about the night before he died, he was supposed to be here on the 15th and we will celebrate his birthday. Who would ever imagine that his life will be cut short by a freak accident that nobody ever thought of? Whatever happened has happened and we can never ever turn back time anymore. Nonetheless, he lived a full life and an exciting one (at that).

I'd like to get mad but I can't...

I'd like to run amok but I can't...

Good thing I had his last days...

And his last second to spare...

His last text goes like this: "Hey Babe, I had a second to spare so I want to spend it with you." (Come to think of it right now,I get a good deal of goosebumps.)

I Will Never Say Goodbye

2006-11-08T14:55:00.001+08:00

I will never say goodbye.

I remember the happy days when Brandon came here last September. When his departure was near, I told him I would not come to the airport because I will just cry. He told me not to cry because he won't be away for good. He said it will just be a "see-you-soon" kind of thing. And I'd start getting misty eyed and guess what he would wipe the slowly forming tears so they won't fall. Those little sweet gestures I would forever miss.

Brandon don't like sad moments. He always wants to see the people around him happy, enjoying life, cherishing every unfolding. He would chat a stranger. He would say hello to anybody he feels needs some cheering up. He's just like that. His laughter very infectious, his zest for life endearing.

We'd spend some quiet afternoons watching some Jeopardy reruns and he would be able to answer "all" questions. He's so quick that he would always beat me. Or sometimes he would even beat the geeks. We'd laugh at Jay Leno's quirky antics. He'd imitate whoever he thinks would amuse me. He would always try his best to make my day.

I miss him and there are times that I just stare at nothingness. And then I would realize and feel that he is still in my heart, enjoying his spot. Sometimes, I would talk to him and I hear a whisper who would tell me to stop worrying and to instill in my mind that Brandon is in a better place, enjoying a safe and peaceful life. Sometimes I catch myself wishing that I could get to see him and talk to him and say my goodbye but...

I will NEVER say goodbye!

Brandon Spencer Koch

2006-11-03T04:00:00.001+08:00

Life is eternal, and LOVE is immortal, and death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limits of our sight.

-Rossiter Worthington Raymond

In Time...But For Now Farewell

2006-11-02T10:23:00.001+08:00

In time I'll see you again. So long, farewell...

Today, November 2, 2006, Brandon's earthly remains will be sent to his final resting place.

I Will Miss You

2006-11-01T08:07:00.001+08:00

You are still alive in my thoughts. You are still who you are in my heart. You will never be forgotten and I will forever miss you. You are my hero and my angel.

Brandon sent me this poem days before what had happened and I'm so proud at how he can play with words. He's being a poet left a big mark in my life.

I Hear You

I can feel your spirit as my words you read

Your heartbeat, your feelings, the need

I hear you.

So lucky I am to have you here

Creating my everyday utopia when you're near

Your kisses rest fresh upon my lips

I feel your body's warmth under my fingertips

Where will all this lead? I don't know.

But, take my hand and we'll both go.

I hear you.

Not having to be someone else around you,

you like who I AM, as much as I like you.

I look at your eyes, even in dim light they're bright as sunrise.

I watch as your lips begin to form words,

Silently, you speak, but spoken words unheard.

I hear you.

A Post From my Multiply Site 08/31/2006

2006-11-01T01:35:00.001+08:00

***A post from my Multiply site: 08/31/2006

Mother Hen + Rooster = Happiness

Craig (my Boss) gave me the nickname Mother Hen because of the way I handle my team thus explains the Mother Hen in the equation above. Who else pairs with the hen but the rooster? And my rooster is the sweetest living creature in the planet. I know I am a headache sometimes but he doesn't snap at me (maybe not just yet but I guess it won't happen anyway).

Happiness comes to those who wait indeed...

***

October 26

2006-11-01T01:03:00.001+08:00

The day my prayers were answered. I have contact with Brandon's family already. Thank you to all those who contacted me to give their suggestions and advices as well as to those who prayed for my strength. (Stacy you have bridged the gap, a million thanks to you!)

I know "he" has in one way or the other caused this. This is his indirect way of greeting me on our supposed to be second month together.

You will always have a place in my heart Babe. I will never forget you.

Brandon: In A Friend's Eye

2006-10-27T04:34:00.001+08:00

-----This article was written by one of Brandon's friends. I am happy that he has touched a lot of people's lives. I am SO PROUD of him.

Thank you B for a very well written article.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I just wanted to write a few things about Brandon.

Brandon was generous, funny, intelligent. He was always trying to entertain. There is no doubt that he added color to peoples lives. The last time I spoke with Brandon was about a week ago. We talked about him opening an Internet coffee house in the Philippines and him wanting to buy beach property there and he sent me pictures of his pride- "Anna Bella" his Ducati. Eventually, he wanted to come back to Tampa and I assured him that if he needed a job – I would do whatever I could to help him find something.

I respected Brandon 's technical abilities and the fact that he really cared about communications. Plus, he was definitely fun to work with!

Brandon was a dreamer but he was also a person that actually followed through and did stuff. He knew voice when he came to KCAB, he also learned Networks and Tech Control. It was amazing how quickly he picked up on things and then mastered them. Brandon was one of the smartest people I have ever worked with.

Brandon liked to make people laugh, he had more than a little practical joker in him. When things were serious Brandon put people at ease. He would joke and sing at work- he was goofy on purpose. Brandon often threatened to destroy the C-130 model I made in spectacular fashion (like in fire, off the roof) and send me the video. Now that he's gone, I wish he would have done it. He introduced me to the spectacularly goofy movie- Napoleon Dynamite.

Brandon could also be serious when the occasion called for it. There really was not any one better to have at KCAB to describe technically what we were doing to high ranking visitors. Brandon made us all look good.

I remember telling him to "STOP BUYING EVERYTHING!" When making airport runs he often wanted to buy. It was not the sort of generosity expecting a payback either. Brandon gave from the heart. It was not unusual for him to bring in donuts or pay half for the Taco Bell from Camp Arifjan for everybody. He never asked for payback. Man that guy could eat! Brandon could put away groceries for such a skinny guy.

I am sorry that I will not get to see him again but I am really glad that I got to spend time getting to know him. Brandon cared about comm and most importantly people- KCAB was lucky- I think we were all lucky to have known him. He touched my life and I will never forget him.

Thank You Everyone

2006-10-26T00:09:00.001+08:00

Break, break, break,
On thy cold gray stones, O sea!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me.

O, well for the fisherman's boy,
That he shouts with his sister at play!
O, well for the sailor lad,
That he sings in his boat on the bay!

And the stately ships go on
To their haven under the hill;
But O for the touch of a vanished hand,
And the sound of a voice that is still!

Break, break, break,
At the foot of thy crags, O sea!
But the tender grace of a day that is dead
Will never come back to me.

-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I received an email from Stacy with the following details:

I have found out a little info for you.

Funeral Home is: Eddie Howard's Family Funeral Home in Melbourne, Arkansas. Visitation is November 1, 2006 form 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm, and the funeral is November 2, 2006 at the Presbyterian Church.

Will keep looking for more information.

Stacy Lee

After I read the email, I didn't know how to react. I was again shocked. I was stunned. I can't believe what I just saw. And then I just felt like the last glimmer of hope that I had all along suddenly disappeared. I was at a loss for words, I didn't know what to say to Stacy. She has been such a blessing. Although her update ended my ephemeral hope but it was a way for me to work on finally giving that up. I know Brandon has wanted me to know that information all along. I know he asked God to use Stacy and be the harbinger of that information. Who would ever expect that I was just reading some blogs in the internet during one of my breaks and then I stumbled upon Stacy's blog about the life of his "soldier" Michael who had a motorcycle accident as well? I saw her email address and emailed her without batting an eyelash to ask for any help she could share. She didn't hesitate. There was never any repulsion. She said prayers for me and Brandon. I also told her that I would pray for her son. Let us all pray for Michael's continued and fast recovery.

I feel so blessed that a lot of help was extended to me.

Thank you God for helping me through this process. I know this won't be a fast recovery for me but I know in time...Your own time, everything will be okay. I claim all your plans and will in my life. You own my life and You alone have the power to take it back. I thank you for letting me know Brandon.

Thank you Brandon for coming into my life. You have loved me from the very first day so said you do and I felt it. I am sorry for ignoring you. I am sorry for resisting your love. Thank you for making me happy. Thank you for everything from the littlest thing you do that make me smile up to the extra efforts that you have done. Thank you for visiting me here in the Philippines. The time we spent was time well spent. I enjoyed every single moment we were together. I cherish every second that you spared for me. You were more than ideal for me. I know you loved me before and I know you still love me now. Be happy where you are now and please watch over me. Be my angel...

Thank you as well to my family. To my mom and dad and sister who cried with me. My family never left my side. I am very thankful for their support and undying love as well as their continuing encouragements and advices. Thank you to my Lola Bennie who has always included me and Brandon in her prayers ever since I introduced him to her and to Lolo James. Thank you to Ninong Roger for the prayers and the encouragements. Thank you to Uncle Don who cried with me and who has tried his best to cheer me up since we live in the same apartment. Thank you to all of you.

Thank you to Robert for being my prayer partner. Thank you for coming just in time when I needed a little push and loads of strength. Your advices has definitely made me stronger in a way you alone can do. Thank you for the flowers you sent (they were very pretty). Thank you for reaching out no matter the distance. I will always be indebted to you for being the first one to make me smile after the incident. Although I have never met you, I feel close to you already. You have been as I always say a positive motivating force in my life. Let's hope for the best each passing day.

Thank you to Chris (Brandon's supervisor and friend) who has informed me about the incident and for updating me through texts and phone conversations. Thank you for doing your best to get any contact information of Brandon's mom and other family members. Thank you to Eric (Brandon's roommate) for taking care of his personal stuff. I am still waiting for your call.

Thank you to all my friends (Eddene, Tetchie, Jade, Olive, Lynx, Sohnea, Nonie, Jepoy, Ian, April, Charms, and to everybody I forgot to include in the list) who never hesitated to pray for me as well as gave me the much needed comforting words. They kept in touch with me despite the distance.

Thank you to Paola who sat with me, talked to me, listened to me, read my blog everyday. Thank you to Christian for being the first one to console me after hearing the news. Thank you to Gen for offering me chocolate cake and friend chicken when I get to the office that day. Thank you to all my direct reports who were very supportive on my situation. Thank you to my colleagues (Deng, China, Miss Lani, Mark, Gracey, Bel, Chimarie, Tet, Jacquie, Junjun, Jay, Eina, Mon, Justin, Thea, Jack, AM Glennda, Joseph and to everybody I might have forgotten to include) for the comforting words and sincere sympathy. Thank you to my manager, Craig, for cheering me up with some goodies from Texas and some cookies his wife baked and for the utmost understanding he showed. He never pressured me to work. Thank you to Bill and Heath for recognizing my efforts for the SSR Team. It definitely helped my spirits up.

Thank you to my cousin Katherine and cousin-in-law Isaac for the constant communication and prayers. Ate Kathy prayed with me through instant messenger the very minute she knew of what happened. She has also introduced me to yellowbooks website.

Thank you to Kenny for unintentionally making me smile while crying when he said I need prayers and some "beanie babies" (you bet!). Thank you for inspiring me with your take on relationships:

"God allows us to borrow the people that he places in our lives for a short time and the time that we are given we should cherish because those moments are unforgettable and can never be taken away even through death."

Again, my sincerest gratitude goes out to each one of you.

I know I would need time to heal and I know I can count on all of you to make this healing process faster. I'll bring back my lost sunshine soon and a rainbow will shine for me.

Where in Oxford?

2006-10-25T03:48:00.001+08:00

I was informed that he will be in Arkansas six hours from now. I hate to think that the body that comforts me, the hugs that warm me, the eyes that melt me, the lips that assures me, the man that loves me and all that will now be buried in one of the final resting places in Izard County. But where? I wasn't informed yet. That's all I know...

I can only wish that I know.

My Grief Is Like A River

(first stanza)

My grief is like a river

I have to let it flow-

But I myself determine

Just where the banks will go.

-Cynthia G. Kelley

I Saw It!

2006-10-25T01:59:00.001+08:00

I went to Starbucks prior to my shift today with my officemates Gen and Rymon when we happen to pass by National Bookstore. In one of the shelves, I saw some kiddie books and there right in front of my face were the two books about Spongebob and Dora the Explorer. I've asked for a sign and the sign was given to me. Now, the burden I have been carrying has considerably lightened.

When Brandon visited me last month, he told me that he is annoyed by the kiddie show but that all changed when he saw me watching and mimicking Dora. He was amazed at how well I have memorized some lines. We would also watch his favorite cartoon character together and yes right it's no other than the famous resident of Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. I like the way he grinned at the misadventures of Spongebob. We were like kids enjoying the series over Nick TV. He even gave me his Spongebob surfer shirt before he left.

Oh yes, memories feed the mind and not the heart... I know he is happy wherever he is now and he would be happier if he'll see me pick myself up and continue living my life in the most upbeat and determined way as possible. Just the way he likes it...

Death is the End of a Lifetime...

2006-10-24T02:54:00.001+08:00

-----God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference (Desiderata).

Life will be better and a rainbow will soon be over me. Grieving is not a place for me to stay, nor can I go back, for my old life is no longer there. Accepting that it's all right for me to survive is a big part of healing.

I'm sure as I continue to face each passing day without Brandon in my life, I know that he is smiling because I have found my courage again. He certainly doesn't want me to rot in one place, he wants me to continue where we left off. He wants me to achieve the things I work hard for. He wants my happiness always.

"Death is the end of a lifetime, not the end of a relationship." --- You will always have a spot in my heart.

He's On His Way Home

2006-10-23T09:29:00.001+08:00

Brandon's supervisor told me that he is on his way home already. He left Kuwait in the morning and will be in Dover Airforce Base for a couple of days and then he will be flown to Arkansas for his funeral. In a way, I am relieved that his comrades are taking care of him with dignity and respect.

I could not thank "C" enough for providing me feedback/update almost everyday. They are making my transition from a princess to a damsel in distress a lot easier. Life will never be the same again but it will continue and I am sure that Brandon would want to see me a "Princess" again in no time. He only wants my happiness and he wants me to do good in everything that I do. Of course, he will remain amused with how I can cry and laugh and smile at the same time.

He is smiling down at me...that's for sure.

Send Me Letters From Above

2006-10-23T04:00:00.001+08:00

FOREVER (Vertical Horizon)

Take these roses off of me
Let me live, let me be
For a little while
Let my eyes
See everything and nothing in their time
I do not mind

And I don't know if you see me here
But I can tell you your face is clear
I will see you...

FOREVER

I wanted you to be everything to me
Now I've got to learn to carry on
I know I cannot hide, this emptiness inside
But nothing is the same since you've gone

Send me letters from above
Send me strength, send me love
Such sweet love
Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart
That's where you are

I was browsing in an online forum and found a thread about what I am experiencing right now. I found solace in knowing that people who has undergone the very same thing that tragicaly befell on me have picked themselves up and has found another life to live. I would like to be where they are now as well. Right now, I will most willingly acknowledge the pain besides there's a time to grief and a time to start smiling when you wake up again. I know that Brandon wants me to be happy and he has always reminded me not to cry. When we were still together he would always wipe my tears long before they fall. Now, I'm crying a river and I just let them fall.

Soon, we will meet again. Send me letters from above.

Thank You So Much Brandon

2006-10-21T22:44:00.001+08:00

It's been three days since I heard the news and up until now I still haven't accepted the fact that he is gone for good. That he has finally succumbed to death. It is such a poignant and humbling experience to be able to undergo this kind of situation. Brandon has been so much more than a boyfriend to me. He has been my ardent advisor, my bestfriend, my coach, my number one fan. We never had any arguments more so any disagreements. Our lives meshed like we were meant to be for each other. We felt we were born for each other. He travelled halfway across to meet me last month and I feel so devastated that I can't even hug him for the last time.

He has taught me a lot of things as well. He has taught me to be thankful of what I have, to cherish every single thing that I have in my possession. He taught me to be contented of what the world has to offer. He taught me to appreciate the beauty of the world and the life after death. He has taught me to love unselfishly. He has taught me to be strong in times of distress. And he has taught me to love unconditionally.

I have been rereading all his emails and it breaks my heart to know that our plans will never be a reality anymore. Nevertheless, I will still be the Kessa that Brandon learned to love only much more polished because of the experiences we have been as individuals and partners.

Watch over me Baby...I love you so much! ( I can almost hear him say in his own special way of saying it to me: "Ako din mahal din kita!" and then he'll laugh at himself and ask how Taga-tarded he sounded when he tries so hard to speak Tagalog). You're little quirks that amuse me will never be forgotten.

You gave my life meaning.

An excerpt from "OUR" song:

The way you walk

The way you talk

The way you say my name, your smile

The way you move me

The way you soothe me

The way you sleep softly through the night

Every morning you rise, and open your eyes

I just wanna be there with you baby

I just wanna be yours, from this day forth

I'm on the brink of crying again...

Olfactory Sensations

2006-10-21T11:35:00.001+08:00

"I can still smell him sometimes."

I keep on putting his favorite scented oil in my burner. He adores the Rainforest scent.

Thinking of Brandon Makes Me Smile

2006-10-21T11:27:00.001+08:00

I wish you're still here Babyko...

Anna Bella Nera

2006-10-21T11:13:00.001+08:00

Brandon fell down with her. He once said Anna Bella Nera is the only other girl in his life aside from me.

Kessa: Who gave that name to her?

Brandon: I did...it means the following things in Italian:

Anna=grace
Bella=beauty
Nera=dark

( 2005 Ducati 749 "Dark"...with some twists749 with Dark skins Remus system, PCIIIusb and quick shifter, SpeedyMoto frame sliders, aftermarket axle bobbins, Carbon fiber rear hugger and exhaust shield, clear/smoke lenses all around )

I gave her that name...You'll ride her someday with me if you want...

That someday never came...

Brandon has left me but his memories will be cherished.

Better Days

2006-10-21T11:00:00.001+08:00

While writing this I've been trying to fight back gushes of tears. I am letting myself grieve. Letting all out so I can one day finally celebrate Brandon's life. His time with me and our time although apart but never really apart in thoughts and in expressing our love for each other.

I cannot forget the day I sent him a text that really made him laugh and happy and commented as to how crazy I can get sometimes. That was unknowingly our last conversation over the phone. It was a day before the accident. If only I had known I shouldn't have put down the phone. Who cares about hefty phone bills? Who cares about spending more than I ought to? Who cares about anything when all that get your day by is to hear the voice of the person you love, the person you so eagerly await to come home to you again.

Brandon: I am at work now after a few hours of sleep. I love you Babygirl.

Kessa: Virtual Starbucks Delivery: One hot venti white chocolate mocha with skimmed milk and whipped cream for Brandon...

Brandon: Thank you Babyko, I need that. Here's one for you too.

Kessa: Thanks Babe. I love you so much and I am crazy anxious to see you again.

Brandon: Me too Baby. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

Brandon, you will be missed... You will always be a special part of me. You will always be someone that I used to love and will always love.

Brandon, You Are Missed

2006-10-21T03:49:00.002+08:00

I am missing you Brandon and it's not easy living life without you in it.

In Memoriam, SSGT Brandon Spencer Koch

2006-10-21T03:03:00.002+08:00

This is in memoriam...

Rest in peace US Army SSGT Brandon Spencer Koch. I will live loving you forever.

November 10, 1978-October 18, 2006

Be my angel...