Since Brandon's death (10/18/2006), I dreaded for August 26 to come this year. It would so much remind me when we both decided to take the plunge, start a long distance relationship. He being stationed in Kuwait and I in Manila. It was a relationship that started and grew with the help of advanced technology. We started as friends, exchanged numerous emails, debated on a few topics, exchanged thoughts through IMs and burned the phone lines.We both were positive that there's no end for us. And if there was, we were both ready to stand the test. We were so crazy in love with each other. He would tell me his deepest secrets and even his secret thoughts. Heck, even his fantasies. Because of his utter honesty, I did tell him my secrets, my hopes, my fears and my dreams. We had our share of arguments too but we would always make it a point to talk things over and send emoticons for kisses and hugs.
I was at a pizza store in one of the malls here in Manila when he called me on August 26 last year. I was eating my lunch and he just came and logged in for work. He asked me that one certain question which I was able to answer without batting an eyelash. 'Do I call you my girlfriend now?" I said "YES". It was an instant answer. It did not require any effort at all. Besides, I've already thought about this and that I've played the scene in my vivid imagination many times over. Suffice it to say, I was expecting it already. After all, Brandon was the ideal boyfriend. He was the kind that you would bring home and introduce to your parents. He was the kind who would sweep you off your feet. He was my knight in shining armor. I was the damsel in distress who incessantly waits to be rescued.
And now, I sit here writing this, pouring my heart's content, trying so hard not to cry, still asking why things turned out against us. But I guess I did not try hard enough, I just wiped a tear that fell. Yes, Brandon's memories still make me cry. It never failed. How could I ever forget someone who has shown me real love? How could I ever let go of a love that was cut short? I know it was not a case of another used to be. We both have shared something special, something that anyone could envy if only we were given more time than we just had. It was short but it felt like forever.
His passing left me wounded, it maimed me. I thought I would never recover. I was in denial for a very long time. I was a broken soul. I tried so hard to breathe life to my existence. There were times when smiling became a chore and the most effortless thing to do was to cry until I feel numb and fall asleep and wish that Brandon would talk to me in my dreams and explain why he had to leave me. Crying was my tranquilizer. And sleep was my escape to reality. There were times when I would stare into nothingness and try so hard to just stay in oblivion. It was difficult, it was never easy. It was something I didn't learn in school. But that experience had taught me so much. It made me unbelievably strong. It crippled me but it became my crutch to continue to trod and face tomorrow no matter how uncertain it could be. The experience gave me hope that I can only be happy if I chose to.
And on the 26th of this month, I may not mourn anymore. I would only celebrate what we had to share. This is my baby step to finally accepting and finally letting go and giving each of us our well-deserved peace.
